lame jokes.. :p

A little boy was visiting his grandmother and the young boy asked his grandmother,"grandma, how old are you"? She replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that". A few minutes past and the young boy asked his grandmother another question, "how much do you weight"? The grandmother replied, "you shouldn't ask me questions like that"! The following week when the little boy went back to school he told his friends about the coversation he had with his grandmother and how he was unable to get an answer from her. The little boy's friends advised him to look on her drivers license, all the information will be there. The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a bashfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".


A farmer is milking his cow. As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the utter."


An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "D*mn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"~



Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?


A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says "sex". Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as sex. Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which of course the patient identifies as "sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"


Two male mushrooms are walking down the road. Walking towards them is a female mushroom all dressed up. They look at her. She ignores them both and walks right by. Then, the one male mushroom, in a very high pitched mushroom voice, says to the other: "Jeez, she didn't even look at us. What's wrong? We are a couple of fun-gis!"


A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar.
"A pint of lager and a mop please."


"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


What's brown and sticky?
A stick..


What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.~

And.. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.~


What bird can lift the most weight?
The Crane


What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear)
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
- Still.. no idea.


Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"~


What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.


What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?
- His butt.


How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb into a tree and act like a nut...


AND..
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud!!


:p